Meh....Bleck and Elastic Hearts

It has been a while since I have written anything in the Blog.... since the end of August to be exact.  The reason this lull in writing?

It seems the universe has conspired to grind my blogging to a halt this fall......

First off I was stricken with a homesickness so devastating all I could fathom writing was things like this.....

I wallow, you wallow... we all wallow!

"I feel my life is currently itchy scratchy and something that I want to escape from.  I know that next week this feeling will have pass.... it always does.  But for now I am going to wallow....wallow like the Queen of Wallow."

Not very joyful is it?

Who wouldn't miss a brother like this...
of course he misses me more!

It never fails.  I head off to the prairies and come back broken by my desire to be in two places at once.  I love where I live.  I love the life I have made for myself on the Great Lakes but there is something about the beauty of the prairies that makes my heart ache and my eyes well up with tears.  All it takes is the sight of tractor, or acres and acres of wheat waving gently in the breeze and it's game over for me.

The prairies hold my family, my childhood, everything that I was and hoped to be.  The Great Lakes hold everything that I have become and my dreams for the future.  My love for both places causes conflict and infinite sorrow because I can't experience both simultaneously.  I have often thought that it would be marvellous if the "black hole" from Looney Tunes was real.  I could throw it against a wall, step through and be at home on the prairies or home here.  Mere seconds vs hours and hours would separate my two worlds.

Alas, the fantasy will never be a reality.

Water rocks- as they are called by my nephew

This year I returned from my prairie trip to be thrust into work, work, work.  It has been a marathon Fall, what with co-writing a proposal for a big project, collaborating with outside agencies to expand service options, orientating new staff (three within three months) and trying to keep up with the daily demands of my caseload.  I pretty much have been living at work.  The "free" time I've had has been spent sleeping, avoiding illness and amusing the dogs.  The dogs getting the raw end of the stick on this one; as I will choose sleeping over amusing any day.

I long to don my Ghilles

While all this was happening one of my coping mechanisms was temporarily suspended.   Physio decreed "No dance for me"  in October.  My fall in Killarney Park did more that sprain my ankle.  It displaced a bone in my foot and my tibia.  Both bones have been repositioned, but the damage caused a nerve to adhere.  Until the nerve is free there will be no dancing.  It seems the absence of dance  has decreased my funny and increased my grumpy factor.  Walking the dogs has even been challenging due to the pain in my ankle.   Thank-goodness for puppy frolics in the park; without which my and the dogs sanity would have been in jeopardy.

In November I was starting to warm up to the idea of blogging again, but this desire came to a grinding halt at the end of the month.... a younger cousin past away.  I had not been in contact with him for a long time, but it was still shocking news.   I cannot fathom what his immediate family is going through.  His death has left me speechless and filled with sorrow.... sorrow for his family and sorrow for a world that is missing out on his presence and what he still had to offer.    I find myself thinking of him often over the last few weeks-  his sense of humour, his passion for his children, his drive to make it on his own and his warmth of personality- so like our Grandma A.   I guess that is all I can do-  remember and honour.  So here's to R!   Thank-you for bringing laughter and richness to my youth.

With all this going on I figured I needed to devote some time to healing and dealing.   My decompression month has started  and  I find the frequency of my spontaneous tears and swearing is slowly decreasing.  I think that means I am on the mend.

I am ready to blog again.

31 Day Work Detox

Hello-  My name is Max and I am a workaholic.  They say the toughest thing is admitting you have a problem and I do have that....... a problem.  I try to leave work at work but it is an itch that begs to be scratched.  I say over and over that I will not check my work email, but then I encounter some down time and before I know it I have unconsciously logged on to the work account.  I figure since it is open there is no harm in scanning the emails to see if there is anything important and needs my immediate attention.

Yup-  full fledged addict.

My table any given weekend

My official last day of work was Nov 28, 2014.  I was prepared to have five weeks of uninterrupted leisure time.  That was the plan on paper anyways.   As the clock ticked down to the start of my vacation my pulse rate increased along with my stress and my level of dread.  I had way too much unfinished work.   How could I leave and relax knowing I was leaving a disarray of paperwork.

Answer-  I couldn't.  I bit the bullet and decided to spend my first weekend of vacation getting caught up on outstanding reports and letters.... two very full days of work and I still did not get it all done.  I left the building on Sunday hesitant but determined I would not spend the rest of my vacation dwelling on the three things I did not get done.

So what!  The holiday started off rough but it could only get better right?

Dec 1- 4th I checked my emails at least seven times a day, if not more.   What?

I still had many, many days to relax- no sense in allowing my mailbox to expand to an unmanageable size.  Plenty of time to have fun.

By the 5th I realized if I let myself continue to be sucked into the work vortex I would be unofficially working the full holiday.  I had to detox...... and detox fast.  I should have just phoned a priest and had an exorcism or made an appointment to have a lobotomy.   That would have been the easy way out.

I thought I was strong, but my yearning to know what was going on was stronger.   By the 12th I had many slips but had also had a few days of not checking my email at all.  I employed the ancient technique of throwing myself into other projects with reckless abandon.  As long as my brain and body were busy, the desire to check emails was held in check.    But the minute there was a some down time I was fighting the urge to just peek at the email.... just a little bit..... not too much!

Desire and curiosity are powerful biatches!

As of today my desire to check my work email has been mentally whipped out of me.  All it took was 4 consecutive weeks off for my mind to de-program from work mode and enter into relaxation mode.

That is just plain sad.  

I joke that I have an Etch-a-sketch brain.... one that erases with a shake of the head.  Sadly this holiday has proven that I don't.  I  have faced the fact that I have been saddled with an elephant memory and an uber strong work ethic.  Both haunt me by periodically providing me with mental images of what I did not get done prior to leaving.  They are my kryptonite.  What I need to slay in order to enjoy a
few moments of blissful relaxation.

Now I have reached my final week of vacation my brain has decided to lead a revolt against returning to work.  It is like a two year old in midst of a full tantrum...... NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!   NO, NO, NO!!!!!  

Why?

Because I am finally on Vacay and am planning on enjoying every last second of it!

Peace on Earth.... and in my head!