What I Want, What I Really Really Want… On the Road to Joy!

Instead of taking stalk of my life on New Year’s Eve, I like to do it on my birthday.  I find reflecting on the previous year and fantasizing about the next, makes the climbing numbers more tolerable. Last year I decided to use self-coaching to figure out what I wanted to see happen in 2023/24 and this post has been sitting in draft format since then.  Here is my stream of consciousness at that time and what I had hoped to accomplish.  The italic sections are an update on how close I got to my projected outcomes.  In some areas I did really well, and in others, well, let us call them productive fails.  There is definitely room for improvement in 2024/25. 

2022/23 Done… Prepare Yourself 2023/24

The problem is I don’t know what I want… or maybe I do, and the problem is my wants exceed what I have available for ability and time.  Christ it shouldn’t be too hard to figure this out, break it down into smaller chunks and work out a plan to accomplish it all, but I find myself dragging my heels.

Why?  What is getting in my way?  

Well obviously me… but why?

I’m scared??? That’s a possibility.  It seems that every time I make plans something happens to derail them and then I end up disappointed.  

What else?

Hmmmm what if my goals are too lofty?  I don’t like to fail.  

You have a point there, but maybe there is a different way to look at this.  What if you place more emphasis on the journey vs the destination?  I know it will be hard, as you have been conditioned that the destination/outcome is what matters, but for other people the opposite is true and they are healthy and happy.  Could adjusting your perspective help overcome this barrier?

It would be worth a shot.

Okay what else???

Too many wants and not enough time!!!

True that could be a problem.  Maybe what you need is to prioritize the wants.  If you accomplish your list you would have back-up options to pull from.  

Well when you put it that way I feel slightly less stressed.  

Anything else????

Thinking…. Thinking… nope that feels like those are the main things.

With that in mind what would leave you totally disappointed if it remained the same as it is right now?

Goal #1

If I don’t continue painting.  In fact I would be willing to sacrifice some social media/TV time to paint. You already have the theme for this year- Gratitude and you finished 9 paintings last year, so are you going to aim for 9 or 10 paintings.  Ultimately I would love to do a painting a month but I think that will be unrealistic, so the goal is to meet or beat last years total of 9.   Given after work commitments it looks like painting opportunities will be Thurs- Sunday.  Hmmm I just thought of an option for 2025’s painting series… hike a trail and paint a picture from that trail.  Planning this series can be my back-up option if I finish the 9 paintings early.  

Waiting for divine inspiration to finish

End of year update:  This was the biggest productive fail of the year.  I started off excited to complete my “New Beginnings” painting but this is as far as I got and then I abandoned it.  It mocks me every time I enter my living room.  In fact, over this last month the dogs keep turning the easel to point to where I am sitting.  Could this be a sign that I need to get back to painting?  I choose to view it as such, and this goal is being reaffirmed for 2025.  

Trying to figure out where it all went wrong in 2024 led me to two conclusions.  I shouldn’t watch YouTube or Reel painting videos and try to base my work off of what I am watching.  The painters made it look so easy peasy and when I tried their techniques it was a disastrous flop.  The typical joy and serenity that I felt when painting was replaced with an inner itchy, scratchy, clenchy feeling.  Who can paint when their insides feel like wearing wool.  Not this lady!  

The other thing that got in the way was lack of time.  I had decided to dedicate Thursday- Sunday as painting time, but invariably I would work late on Thursday and Friday which meant there was little time left for painting after taking care of essentials such as eating, caring for the dogs and basic maintenance on myself and the house.  

How to guarantee greater success in 2025?

I’ve been contemplating this and here is what I came up with.  I was consistently delivering blog posts up until my summer schedule upended my routine.    Borrowing from the success I had with writing last year, in 2025 I will dedicate two solid weeks a month to painting and two to writing vs flipping between each during the same week. Expect the grand unveiling of New Beginnings in Feb/March!

Goal #2

If I don’t go to dog shows.  My ultimate hope is Ferg obtains his CKC RM, RAE, RCH and PCD titles and CARO Advanced.  My ultimate hope for Hazel is her CKC RA, RE, RM, PCD and CARO Advanced.  The hope for Lyndy is her CKC RA, RE and  RM and CARO advanced titles.   Shows that I want to attended:  Muskoka, Sudbury, Portage, Sault Ste Marie, Sudbury.  Other possible shows are Kenora and Thunder Bay.  Dog days will be Mon- Wed with the option of some training on Sat/Sun. 

End of year review:  Well there was better success with this goal.  We didn’t achieve it all, but definitely made head way. We managed to get to Muskoka X 2 and to Portage.  The Sudbury show conflicted with the Portage show, so we substituted Kenora for Sudbury.  As there was no Sault Ste Marie show this year we did Powassan and Thunder Bay to round out the year.  

Ferg ended the year as the 4th highest ranked Golden in Canada and 26th overall in all Breeds.  I’ll take that!  He also managed to get his RM, RAE and CARO Advanced MCL.  He is half way to earning his RMX and a third of the way to his RCH tile.  I wasn’t brave enough to enter any formal obedience trials so no PCD title.  Maybe next year.  

Ferg’s Achievements for 2024

Hazel ended the year as the 9th highest ranked Golden in Canada and 69th overall in all Breeds.  She achieved her RA, RE titles and needs two more legs for both her RAE and RM titles.  Our one CARO trial was a flop, so no Advanced title for her this year.  As with Ferg, I wasn’t brave enough to try for a formal obedience title with her.

Hazel’s Achievements for 2024

Lyndy ended the year as the 15th highest ranked Golden in Canada and 98th overall in all Breeds.   She also achieved her RA, RE titles and needs two more legs for her RM title and 5 more legs for her RAE title.  The one thing that held her back this year was her tendency to get overexcited/stimulated by other dogs.  After the Portage show I made the decision to give her a break from competing, to allow us to work on developing her calm and focus skills before returning to the ring. Fingers crossed training and motherhood will help mellow her out.

Lyndy’s Achievements for 2024

All and all I am pretty pleased with what the herd achieved this year and I am grateful for the amazing people I have met through Rally.  It was really inspirational to watch the top 6 teams across Canada compete.  We were witness to some spectacular runs.  I have already started planning our 2025 season which I think will be Ferg’s last before retiring.  

Goal #3

If my physical status remains the same.  Ideally I would love to be able to run up the stairs two at a time and to go down them reciprocally.  The other main change that I would love to see, is not to have difficulty breathing when bending over to tie my shoes, due to my wayward gut is jamming up into my diaphragm.  Lastly would it be too much to ask to have slightly bendier hamstrings???  

You were able to establish a good routine over your vacation, the question is how can you keep it up when you go back to work?  You know all too well that it is easy to fall back into the habit of not getting groceries and then relying on take-out/fast food to bridge the hunger gap. Helpful in the moment but not in the long term.

Looking at this realistically, if you are out of bed by 5:45 that gives you 45 minutes to do 20 minutes of strength or cardio, 10 minutes of yoga and 15 minutes of meditation.  On days when you have to shovel snow you can substitute shovelling for strength or cardio.  You could also save time in the morning if you  do overnight oats that can come with you and have a lunch packed already.    

Now for the hard part.  If you leave work on time at the end of the day you would have 5-10 minutes to dedicate to mediation and could have 30-45 minutes to train dogs or get in another workout.  

End of year lament:

This was also a goal with loads of productive fails.  I started off strong and then May ushered in the wave of dislocating fibulas, muscle tone and out of whack joints. It started with my left fibula, which was initially jammed forward and kept wanting to return to this position.  Countless trips to PT got it back into position and then I had the fun of working the tone out of my muscles.  I had just reached a point where I could walk sans cane/crutch and an hobbling gait when I tweaked my left MCL.  

More cane time… lucky/unlucky me.  

Leftie finally healed but Rightie said not so fast bucko… and that fibula decided to dance around as well. 

Frig!

Now before you start panicking that your fibulas might start spontaneously dislocating, save yourself some angst.  99% of you will never, ever have to worry about this.  It is a joint that rarely dislocates, but I somehow got blessed with two that like to take walk abouts.  The odds are definitely not in my favour when fibulas are involved.

All this time with unstable shins resulted in shifting at the pelvis and hips.  I spent the later part of Nov and most of Dec at the Chiropractor to get these joints back in place and aligned.  I am happy to report I will be entering 2025 with all my joints aligned and stable.  May 2024/25 be  the year of joint stability!

I did not make gains in the ability to leave work on time, which contributed to a general lack of availability to get groceries and make food.  Ultimately I ended up scarfing down whatever I could quickly find to eat, usually while driving to and from work appointments and/or after work commitments.  Definitely room for improvement on this front.   

I can tell you improvement did not include taking the stairs two at a time.  I was just thankful to be doing stairs at all.  For most of 2024 I had to take one step at a time going both up and down, but I am happy to report, as of the last few days I have managed reciprocal descent! Ending 2024 strong. 

PROGRESS!!!

I am also pleased to report that I am able to put on my shoes and tie my laces while maintaining the ability to breathe.  Whoo hoo 2 goals on the list…achieved. 

2024 also became the year of dusting off “Shrek” my Trek bike.  Physio insisted that I needed to move my knee as much as possible and prescribed biking as my go to activity.  He pointed out biking is low impact and resulted in more RPM’s of the knee than walking.  By the end of the season I had biked a 24 km paved trail in one go and had even started mountain biking beginner/intermediate dirt trails.  My knees, legs and butt thanked me, however the lady bits cursed me every time I was on the bike longer than 15 minutes!  I’m hoping 2024/25 brings more bike adventures my way. 

I also realized too late that I could have/should have been doing chair yoga as much as possible during the time that I was incapacitated, as it could have helped maintain just a little bit of flexibility.   I have spent that last 4 weeks trying to regain just a semblance of the flexibility I had at the start of the year.  It has left me wondering if there is a joint WD40 on the market that might help this tin woman out.  

Sigh!

I just have to keep reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race.  Maybe 2024/25 needs a patience goal… I say this, but I don’t mean it.  Impatience is my toxic trait and one that I don’t think a bazillion years will change. 

Goal #4

If I don’t maintain connections with friends and family.  It has been very easy to maintain contact with J as I am at the farm so often, but what about other friends?  Should this be the year that you travel down to Virginia and if yes what time of year?  The other idea you had which I thought was great was writing letters.  What if you treat it like a bit of a game and put names in a hat and select a letter recipient at the start of the month with the goal to send the letter by the end of the month.  LOVE IT!  DONE!!!!

End of year reflection:  

The OG’s

I made progress in this goal.  Although I didn’t end up going with the letter writing idea, I did manage to meet a number of connection goals this year.  There were multiple Pho nights with B and M, along with bike adventures at Hiawatha, the Hub trail and to the ice cream parlour. 

There were two trips home to spend time with family and friends.  The first trip offered a chance to spend an evening chilling with some of my OG friends.  It was like opening a time capsule; as it doesn’t matter how much time passes since we last saw each other, we always fall into the easy conversation and laughter that surrounded us in high-school.   There is something to be said about maintaining a relationship with those that knew you as you were still figuring yourself out!  

The second trip home was a surprise for my parents and the bonus was my Aunt C, who I haven’t seen for over 20 years, was up visiting from the USA.  Good times and great stories always follow Aunt C who is known for her pranks and overall hi-jinx!   If she ever asks you, do not take her “compatibility” test.  Consider yourself forewarned!

I also made a lot of new connections through the dog trials.  People who kindly offered advice, cheered us on and joined me laughing/commiserating about the palm to the forehead/head shaking “Did that just happen?” moments that occur in the ring.  

The Saltzberg- BDI

I particularly loved the time I spent being a basement dweller at my sisters new house in the Fall.  We hadn’t really had a lot of time together over the last five years, due to Covid and our busy schedules, but Fall 2024 offered some great quality time chilling at the Dog Park with our pack of 5 dogs (2 Labs, 3 Goldens) followed by trips to BDI or Tall Grass Prairie Bakery.  Many laughs were had and many toes were toasted by the in-floor heating in the downstairs bathroom. 

Did I make it to Virginia to see M?  Unfortunately the answer is no, but the sun, moon and stars aligned and we were both at the same place at the same time so managed a quick catch-up.  

Did I make it to all the monthly Blah, Blah Blah nights? That was also a no.  Scheduling didn’t always align and there were a few nights when I was either too exhausted from the work week or accidentally fell asleep on the couch and didn’t wake up until 2 hours after I was supposed to be there.  

There is definitely room for improvement in the connection realm.   My 2024/25 connection plans will also expand to include spending more time in nature/outdoors, as that is what truly puts a smile on my face and warms my soul. 

Other notable mentions to change/growth that 2024 ushered in:

In January, Brie came to live with us. The plan was she would come for training and would then return.  I found myself needing a reason to take breaks from work, to head home on time and to take my mind off of work.  It didn’t hurt that she was dang cute and a spitting image of Ferg at that age..

Breezy Brie

Ferg and his Mini Me

As I was going through the potty training phase, yet again, I realized I truly needed a new coping mechanism.  Getting and raising a puppy every time I was having difficulty disconnecting from work or needed a spark of joy, would not be a feasible long term solution.  Besides I am running out of space in the house and there is no way I am fitting another dog into the back seat of the vehicle.  

Short of buying a bigger house and a livestock trailer to transport the herd, I knew I needed to make some life alerting decisions in my pursuit of JOY.   It was time to Marie Kondo the crap out of my life; only keeping the things and practices that brought me consistent delight.  

When thinking about what sparked joy in my life it was hard to ignore the elephant in the room.  Work… the place where I spend most of my waking time.  Work has not been sparking consistent delight for a very long time.  Yes there are parts of my job that are awesome and leave me feeling chuffed or elated at the end of the day, but there are also large portions of my job that have the polar opposite effect.  Parts that leave me having to pull out all the stops to replenish my energy to face another day.  I don’t even want to know how many times I have cried in my vehicle over the last decade, trying to steel myself for the what the day had in store for me.  

If that which does not kill us only makes us stronger, than I am one of the strongest biatches out there!  It’s not that I work in a heinous work environment, nothing could be farther from the truth.  My colleagues and leadership are as supportive and understanding as one could ask for.  The problem has always been a disconnect between my role and my passion.  

When I started at my place of employment, my only responsibility was providing good care to those who were assigned to me, well that and the occasional development project.  That morphed into a role where I took on additional responsibility for researching and implementing evidence based practices.  These were the happy years, as I love researching, developing and providing care.  My role and my passions were sympatico. 

Life changed when there was a restructuring and my role changed to include a management component.  I do not have a thick enough skin for managing others.  I knew that from my previous job, but I stepped up  and assumed the newly assigned role, as the agency needed my help.  

What do I mean about not having a thick enough skin?  

As an introvert it is hard enough for me to stand up and talk in a room of people, let alone room of people who have the capacity to be the judge and executioner at the same time.  When you manage there is always judgement about your performance, how you handled something or a decision you made.  Those judgements are made by those who are impacted by your decisions and those who you report to.  For me that hardest judgements to handle tend to be from those impacted by my decisions, as these judgements are often passed without knowing all the information that was considered before making the decision. I know, as I was once there doing the same thing.  

Wearing the other shoe, I now realize, as a front line employee I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  There are things that front line workers and users of services don’t and can’t always know, that impact how decisions are made.  Often times leadership has to make a decision about a crap situation and all the choices have a degree of crap associated with them.   The best hope in this type of situation is the least heinous option, that offers the best possible outcome, wins out.   

Once a decision is made and communicated I quickly flip into reflection mode.  In fact, I spend a lot of time in reflection mode, a continuous loop of trying to figure out how I could have improved on a situation, thinking about unforeseen options that I had not considered, pondering the wording I used to communicate, etc.

For me, reflection mode is surround by a slippery slope that if broached, can lead me skidding down the bank into a whirlpool of self-reproach and doubt.  “You are inferior!”is the story that plays out in my head as I work my way to the bottom of the whirlpool. It doesn’t help that I actively seek "proof” of how sub-par I am.  Subtle hints, such as I walk by an office and all of a sudden the fevered talking stops and everyone is staring at me or people skittering between offices to have closed door conversations after I have communicated something.  Over the years there have also been not so subtle hints such as 0 and 1 scores from an employee on an anonymous 360 evaluation, the occasional comment made during an exit interview or workplace gossip that has made it's way back to me, that had me saying and doing things that I definitely never or would ever, every say or do.

Each occurrence has left an indelible mark on my psyche and is stored in my "I Suck” playlist that comes out whenever I start having doubts in my ability.   Trust me, anything anyone says about me is probably infinitely kinder than the mind lashing that I am prone to giving myself.  Hours of my life have been spent dissecting and running imaginary “redos” to see if I missed a better way to handle or communicate a situation. 

My “I suck” spirals often led to brief periods of feeling lonely and alienated… not so fun…but have also been my greatest impetus to learn and grow.  A curse and a blessing all wrapped in the same package.   I am eternally grateful to those who have offered or provided a shoulder to lean on and words to snap me out of the spiralling when it has happened.  If it wasn’t for you the spiralling could have taken over and growth wouldn’t have been possible. 

I really envy the people who can have the same experiences that I have had, and who quickly learn, adapt and move on.  These are the ones that are well suited to leadership roles.  Ones like me, who tend to get hung up in the "what if" end of the pool, can still be successful in supervising, but ultimately, it takes a toll. 

Now you might be thinking that doesn't sound like fun?  Why would you willingly stay in the role feeling that way?  

Both excellent questions.  

 

 What can I say, my love language is acts of service and I love the people I work with and the people we serve.  When I was told my role was going to change, all those years ago, there was no one else on staff who could fill that role at that time.  I knew I could passably perform the supervisory functions of the job, so agreed to the change for the greater good, even though I have never truly fallen in love with this part of my job.  

 Over the years changes have been made to the role to try and help improve the "love your job" part.  These changes were successful in helping my peers love the role, but did not have the same effect for me.

My epiphany came this year when two different journeys collided… my quest to add more joy into my life and leadership development.  The world went silent when the facilitator of a development session uttered these words “ Even if you did not actively seek out a leadership role in the organization, accepting the position means you chose to be a leader."  The ripple of that reframe, along with my quest for joy set a tidal wave of change in motion.  I couldn’t get it out of my head.  

Does being a leader resonate with me?  Does it bring my joy? 

When was the last time that I found pure unadulterated joy at work? 

When was the last time I was eager to return to work after a weekend or vacation?

The answer:  I have never identified as a manager.  When I introduce myself at meetings I always start with my clinical role and tag the manager title on as an after thought. If I’m being totally honest, I have not felt balanced since I assumed management duties.  The only time that I have been consistently content over the last decade + has been when I am involved in the client care part of my job, researching, leading change projects or interacting with families.  It was abundantly clear that I needed to make the monumental decision, which I did… I demoted myself.  

Starting in 2025,  I am no longer a Manager and will re-join the ranks of front-line staff.  My best hope is a return to a role that fully aligns with my passion, will flood me with consistent warm fuzzies each day. My other hope is I will find it easier leaving work on time and work at work. Freeing up hours that can be redeployed to other euphoric inducing activities, 

May my 2025 Joy Cup be overflowing!

I end this post with gratitude for the life lessons I have learned during my tenure in management.  These lessons will serve me well across my various roles in life. I have also decided to bid my "I Suck" playlist and associated self-doubts adieu.  I will forever carry the psychological blemishes this playlist created, but going forward I choose to view these imperfections as a testament to my perseverant nature, ability  grow and overcome adversities both big and small vs a mark that I am lacking. I enter into this chapter of my life energized and excited to see what is in store. 

I am thankful for the strength of all the teams I work with and the leadership skills of those who are taking over.  It would have been a way harder decision to make, if there wasn’t such a strong safety net in place.  To the dedicated, phenomenal women who I pass the torch to… you are the future and will take the team and services to summits we never ever would have dared to dream of!