How To Improve Your Odds At Underwear Roulette

A Wo- Man that is!!!!
Picture from www.shelteringsuburanmom.com

My brother and I found ourselves having a conversation about my underwear issues.  (Yes I agree, my brother is truly patient and suffers a lot from being related to me.)  Bro could not fathom the concept of underwear creepage, as his apparently stays put.   I could not believe my ears....

"Seriously!  You have never had a wedgie or an almost wedgie?????  I don't believe it."

He replied with a succinct "Nope!"  (He is a dude of few words.)

His theory was that men's underwear, gotch to be exact, was made to stay in place, where as woman's underwear was made to torture.  I decided to test out his theory and went a week wearing men's tighty whities.  

Guess what?????????    He was freakin' right.

Not once did the gotch even consider moving a millimeter out of place.  I instantly started thinking of all the advantages of making the permanent switch to men's briefs....

a.   It stays where you left it and does not develop a mind or mission of it's own as the day progresses.
b.  There is that handy little pouch in the front where I could keep my change and valuables.
c.  The extra fabric in front provides extra insulation in the winter time.
d.  Less thinking about which pair to wear in the morning; as it is designed to be a grab and wear vs a fashion statement.

The advantages go on and on.

But I am not one to abandon what I know on a whim.  I wanted to do more recon before making such a dramatic life change.

The first thing to test-  the front pocket.  I could foresee a future devoid of the need for money belts and purses.

No pockets?  No problem!

What's the point in having a pouch panel if you are not going to use it to it's fullest potential.  I was prepared to be thrilled.

Alas, it did not take long for my excitement over the underwear pocket to be extinguished.  What I failed to realize was the pouch runs the full length of the underwear.  That means stored cash, coins in particular, slides down toward the buttocks and results in your underpants jingling when you walk.

Hmm, maybe that is how Bo Jangles got his name.

The other obvious con to wearing men's briefs is the VGL (visible gotch line).  My brother laughed when I told him this.  He said.... "Well, maybe don't wear such tight pants."

I swear I don't wear tight pants.  Woman's pants are made from thin, stretch like material, it is meant to hug the hip and flare out from there.  Gotch, unlike ladies unmentionables, has a very thick edge around the leg holes-  probably the feature that keeps it in place.  The leg gripper region is perfectly hidden when wearing jeans, but very visible when wearing dress pants.

Unfortunately these two flaws outweigh all the advantages.   So until improvements are made I will continue to be a full-fledged wedgie picking pantie wearer.  

Underwear Roulette

Available at the Keep Calm-o-Matic website

I don' know about you but I am afflicted by a bubble butt.  I had a Kardashian before any of the Kardashians were a glimmer in their parents eyes.  If you also have a bubble butt you can commiserate.  Finding a comfortable pair of underwear can be a like undertaking a quest to find the Holy Grail.

Once I find a brand that has manners and stays in place, hugging the curve but never ride up it.... I buy as many pairs as I can... you know just in case there is a year long snow storm or they stop making that brand.  You think with all this preparation I would be safe from experiencing having my panties in a bunch!

NOT SO MUCH!

I think there is an evil genius working at each underwear company.  The main goal in each of these geniuses lives is to make underwear that looks like, feels like and initially acts like all the other underwear but it is secretly Ninja underwear ready to surprise you with a "Crack Attack" the moment your not expecting it. This Ninja underwear is all about stealth.  It lies in wait.  Why surprise you when you have an opportunity to exchange it with another mild manner pair.

NO!  NO FUN IN THAT!

Ninja underwear allows you to leave the house and drive to work.  As you walk into the building you slowly feel the left side creeping up the curve into the nether regions.  It rights itself.  All is right with the world again.  Maybe you just imagined it.  You are now walking down the hall to your office or getting on the elevator, the right side starts creeping up.  It goes higher and higher.   You look to see if you will get caught retrieving wayward Righty and you work it back into place willing it to behave and stay put.    It seems to listen.  You make it to your office and through two meetings.  But the underwear is playing you, it is lulling you into a false sense of security and then.....

BAMMM!

Both sides are up in your grill.  Of course you are busy and in a crowded area so you just smile and wave and hope that you can ignore the fact that you are now chaffing and generally miserable.

You say to yourself...... "That's it, I am throwing these naughty buggers out the second I get home!".  Of course you get home and you think about all the Criminal Minds and CSI episodes involving stalkers and question if you really should be throwing out worn underwear that anyone can pick out of your trash.  That's when your mind comes up with a plan..... "Wash them first and then throw them out!!!!!" This makes the Ninja underwear very, very happy!

WHY?

It allows the nasty beasties to mix in with the "good" underwear.  They know how to blend.  If you listen carefully you may hear a faint snicker as when they realise that you can't tell them apart from the comfortable pairs.  You start to panic comparing sample to sample-    "Was it this one?   No maybe it was that one?"

UGGGHHHHH!

Now you are scared you are going to throw out the good underwear.

ANGST!

An executive decision is made to keep both pairs and hope you will be able to ferret out the heinous pair before you leave the house the next time.  Hence the birth of Underwear Roulette.  You take the comfort of your buttocks into your hands every time you select a pair of underwear from the underwear drawer.

"Go Ahead!  Make my day punk!"

PS-  I am pleased to say that I was able to identify one of the culprits which is now on their way to the landfill..... just one more pair to go and my buttocks will be safe..... for now!