Aged Heifer Cleans Up At the Fair

The Corporate Fitness Challenge ended in the middle of Dec, 2014 with a bang, some delicious bean dip and a to die for chocolate beet cake (don't scoff... it was yum!).  That was the day that all our hard work was measured and weighed.  As you may recall from the Pointenstein post in November my driving force for working out and clean eating was to not to finish first, it was not to finish last.... did I meet my goal?

In grand total I lost 10 inches and 12 pounds within the 6 weeks.  I am sure the weight loss was from all that mental math I was doing-  crunching numbers while others worked their abs.  All that clean eating, drinking water and increasing my physical activity also resulted in my receiving the highest points ribbon.

Oops.... Overshot that one a little bit!

When I saw the rosette, I had mental flash to the award shelf in my parents home.  A shelf brimming with similar styled rosettes, trophies  and the pictures of my parents with their prize winning 4-H/FFA steers, heifers and cows.  As the rosette was pinned on, I could not help but think-  I need a halter to really show this thing off.  One rosette would have sufficed, but my team won the challenge, so add other rosette and a tiara and I went from feeling like a winner to feeling like the Grand Champion at the fair.

So much for aiming for the middle of the pack.  I obviously need a remedial class in mental math!  Either that or I can just beat it out of my head.

The Corporate Challenge went from being something that I wanted to avoid like plague to being one of the best decisions that I have made in the recent past.  Not only did it re-kick my dedication to improving my health, it showed me that putting in the effort yields results.  The other benefit, that far out-weighs the obvious health improvements, is it has created this great support network at work.  We all made gains, we all survived the Challenge and we continue to motivate each other to be the best version of ourselves.  It has also resulted in the very cheap woman buying a gym membership.

Insert trumpet fan-fare here!  Seriously this is epic- kinda like the parting of the Red Sea. If it was a Jeopardy clue the answer would be "What is a thing you thought would never happen?"

The last time I sprang for gym membership was in university and it was never used.  I refuse to repeat that pattern!  I have already been twice this week.  Bonus- I actually know some of the members and was able to reconnect with colleague from my past.... shout out to Darla!  Looking forward to building more muscles, stamina and stretching my mental perseverance.  

Cheers to an active year and Congratulations Ladies of the Challenge.... We Are Superstars!

In Case You Haven't Noticed, I'm Not Thumbellina!

Well the Corporate Fitness Challenge has produced many a group workout that requires the participants to assume and hold interesting positions all under the guise of "it's exercise".  The most heinous exercise to date required us, the participants,  to slip our arms in straps, hold the straps and then lift our legs up to our chest repeatedly over a 40 second period.  When the trainer first demonstrated I started snickering and then immediately started looking around trying to find the hidden cameras.

This had to be a joke..... Right?

I don't know for sure, but I hazard a guess that this  "fitness activity" is in the encyclopedia of Medieval torture right between the Rack and the Judas Cradle.

Zaftig- "fat in a pleasing way"- Merriam Webster 

The trainer insisted there would be no pressure on our arms or shoulders, that only our abs would get a work-out.   That maybe for the average munchkin or for Thumbellina, but when you are a zaftig woman there is absolutely positively no way that there will not be pressure on your arms when you are hanging from said appendages in a trapeze contraption.

See....there is a little thing call gravity!  

Obviously the trainer has not heard of it.  Just the mere physics of it all, supports the fact there is 10X's multiplying factor that has to be contended with.  Also applied to this formula is the fact I have very wimpy arms (they are just decorations on my body).  So 10 times my body weight + wimpy arms=  a body that is more on the floor than in the air.  I was able to lift my legs to my chest in this very awkward position, but it was not a pretty thing to behold.  Olympic gymnastic champion I will never be.

The next day I could not lift my arms up past 90 degrees.  Okay that is a slight exaggeration!  I could lift my arms up but the screech that accompanied this movement brought others running to me in a panic.  So for the interest of staff safety I kept my arms down for the next three days.  

All I can say is....  it is another thing I can cross off my bucket list.  It is not likely I will try it again any time soon.... unless Arnold Schwarzenegger agrees to an arm exchange or I take the Zaf out of the zaftig.  But if you feel you need a challenge to increase the size of your "pythons" or to sculpt your 6-pack......  have at 'er- you can take my spot in the rotation.   

I doff my cap to you Sir or Madam!

Hangry, Hangry, "Hippo"crite

The main goal of the Corporate Fitness Challenge is to eat clean.

What is clean eating?   Great question!

An example of clean eating

Clean eating is no pre-processed foods, no yeasty breads, all multi-grain products, no sugar added, no fruit juice or sport drinks, no alcohol, no cream or added fats other than coconut and olive oil, drink 8 cups of water a day and definitely...... DEFINITELY.... no burgers and onion rings!

Going into this Challenge I knew that earning the daily drink points would be just that... a challenge.   I have come to the conclusion that I have lived most of my years in a chronic state of dehydration.  It is a state my camel like body has become accustom to.  Any "extra" water tips my delicately balanced scales and can plunge me straight into water toxicity-  I get dizzy, I can't feel my teeth, my head feels all floaty, I can loose my vision and sometimes come close to fainting... pretty much I am drunk without even touching an ounce of alcohol.   Knowing this,  my strategic plan was to gain all my Challenge points by following the stringent meal plan and working out when I could (but not in the mornings.... at least on a regular basis).   I boasted to friends and family-  "Sure I can clean eat for six weeks, it won't be hard at all!"  All the while I was planning the smorgasbord of appetizers and sweet treats I would indulge in the moment this challenge was over...... my reward for being a diligent cleaning eating dubbie.

The Challenge started.  I had Week 1 under my belt.  Some sugar cravings, but nothing that looking at what I now refer to as "food porn" couldn't help with.  I had started to gradually build up my bodies tolerance to "excess" water.  Week 2 was complete.   I had not had any added sugar, I was eating the prescribed meals,  and was now drinking 8 glasses of water a day.  Other Challengers tried to tempt me with "healthy cookies" but I stayed strong.  It seemed that from 6 am to 4:30 pm, I was untouchable.

But every night as the sun slowly sank in the west, my inner "hangry beastie" started to awaken and my internal struggles began.    See Hangry, as I now refer to this altered state of self, does not have a lot of patience.  When Hangry appears I go from peckish to freakin' starving.

Hangry want food....  Hangry, want food NOW!!!!!!!!!

I am almost positive that Hangry would not exist if there was a personal chef living at my house.  I could walk in the door and Hangry would be immediately satisfied.  But, alas I do not have a personal chef... all I have is me.  A me that doesn't know when to call it quits and go home.  A me that regularly has difficulty getting groceries for the week.

Since this Challenge began I have had to use the arsenal of strategies, learned on the job to calm  tantruming children, to buy some time from when Hangry first makes herself known and when I will be able to eat.   For two and a half weeks strategies such as planned ignoring, distraction, reasoning, collaborative problem solving, kind words and just plain pleading worked to stave off a full-fledged Hangry attack.  

Sadly last Saturday I reached into my strategy bag and came up empty.  After spending 10 hours in front of a computer, Hangry came out at her Hangriest!  Hangry was in a toddler meltdown of epic proportions-  threatening to do harm to self or others.   Hangry had graduated to a new level of Hangry that has yet to be classified.

I felt helpless.  It was not a battle I was prepared to fight.  I made the executive decision to deek into the A&W drive thru to pick-up a meal fit for a Hangry mind-   Teen Burger and onion rings.

Ahhhhhh the aroma!

Yummmmmmmmm the bacon!

Hangry..... HAPPY!!!!!

The burger eau jus was running down my fingers and chin as I bit into that bad boy. Each morsel was savored and committed to memory, as both my Hangry  and sane self knew this was a one-time only save.  No more burgers for another 3 1/2 weeks.

I took a picture so Hangry has something to look forward to......

I BID YOU ADIEU OH FAIR TEEN BURGER.... TIL WE MEET AGAIN IN 4 WEEKS"

Pointenstein

http://mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/ksor/files/201403/frankenstein.jpg

My brother laughed when he heard the rules of the Corporate Fit Challenge.  He couldn't believe that they engineered something so perfectly matched to my personality.  He pointed out that it would not be long before I was totally consumed by points.    See he knows me and that fact that points for making the right choices and a team based approach .... well that is like crack cocaine to a gal who strives to please those around her.

As soon as I heard about the points I, a non-lover of math,  had my calculator out trying to determine the maximum point spread and how to maximize my overall points based on my schedule.  I was like Russel Crowe in "A Beautiful Mind".  I had formulas,  graphs and pie charts..... ummm pie.....  sorry just a little distracted.......figured out for all six weeks of the challenge.  A monster.... or in this case a Pointenstein... was created.

My friend recently commented that that reason I have become obsessed with earning points is because I am overly competitive.   Sure I will admit that I am competitive.... who doesn't see a person walking ahead of them on the sidewalk and say "Hey.... I bet I can catch up to them!"   And then after you do catch up with them your first thought is "I totally can pass them!",  even though your shins and lungs are screaming because you have pushed them beyond their limits.

What?  You don't do that?

Hmmmm this is a tad awkward!

However, I swear on a mountain of Bibles-  in this situation my desire to win was not the seed that fertilized the Pointenstein zygote.... nope nothing could be farther from the truth.   My main goal upon joining was not to be last in the competition and within my team.  I would be perfectly happy being just average-  run of the mill...... middle of the pack.

Unfortunately my tendency to panic, thinking others will achieve more than I do and then ipso facto  I by default will be last, has gotten me into a bit of pickle...... yummmmm pickle (yet another food item I am not allowed to have).

What happened?

The first week I hit my target-  middle of the pack status.  I felt good.  Then during a group workout someone mentioned that they had spent 5 hours doing moderately exerting physical activity on the weekend..... I did the math...... 20 points!!!!!!!!

I started getting the jitters.  My mind raced!  What if everyone else earned as many or more points.  My brain screamed..... "You're screwed!"

Panic, panic, panic..... my plans were eroding before my eyes.  There was only one course of action; I needed to set the bar higher then I originally intended.   The joke was on me though.  The other participants put in solid performances, but nothing close to the person I had been talking with.

That is how I ended up being the top of the leader board for weekly points on the second week.

Yikes!

I would have to adjust my game plan.  No problem, I was traveling for work.  All that sitting would greatly reduce my ability to earn movement points.

Right?

Not so much!  I frickin' repeated my week two performance for week three.  How could that be?  I was sure it was a math error... as my Grade 12 Math teacher liked to point I am totally inconsistent when it comes to math.   I triple checked my math..... the results came up the same every time.

UGHHHHHHH!!!!

What makes it worse is the fact that I have now set the all time highest score for weekly points for the Corporate Fit Challenge... not just with my workplace but for all workplaces that have participated.

Crap, Crap, Crap!  What the hell was a I thinking?

Now I have started a stupid trend.  Now I have a title to defend.  The pressure is on!  Not good.  To think this all happened because I did not want to be last.

Will I ever learn my lesson?

Probably not.... fear+points+people pleasing= overachieving Max.

And So It Begins......

I recently found out trouble with the curve is a baseball term meaning someone who has difficulty hitting a curve ball.  I thought it was also a fitting title for a blog about facing and dealing with the curve ball's that life throws you and as such co-opted the term.

What inspired me to start this blog?

The fact that I have it all together and am awesome at providing sage advice?

Nope and Nope.

The impotence behind the blog was my recent decision to join a Corporate Fitness Challenge at work.   I would love to say that as soon as I heard about the Challenge I was all over it like a "sugar freak on a Smartie"....

I wasn't!!!!!!

When the Challenge was being explained to us, all I could think was "For the love of the Lord... why!  Why, did they not let those of us who will not be participating go so we could get lunch and check our emails!  This is tedious and torturous.  I walked out of the room feeling ornery!  I wanted to hit someone or something. It was safe to say a Fitness Challenge was positively, absolutely something that I would not be doing in my lifetime!

Later that week a curve ball caused me to rethink my original position.  I am taking part in a 365 Day Photo Challenge (something else that has caused me angst over the last year).  One of the challenges was to take a picture of "Too Small".  I thought and thought and came up with a plan to take a picture of my old Cheerleading outfit as I knew it would definitely be too small.

As I put the skirt around my thigh, I was faced with the concrete proof that the skirt, that used to fit around my waist, when I was a teen, only fit around one thigh with only 2" to spare.

UGGGHHH!!!

I know my cup has started to runneth over in the curve department, as I have aged, but a waist-sized thigh... say it ain't so!

You have probably heard of Helen of Troy-  the  face that launch a thousand ships.  I am not her.  I am the woman who has a thigh that launched a quest to find a semblance of the fitness level that I had in my youth.  

Proof that it did fit at one time.

Enter stage left... Corporate Fitness Challenge.  The Challenge ceased to be a heinous and instantly became a life preserver.  Something to motivate me to get off my flabby behind and start challenging myself to improve my health, my fitness and to find a balance between work and life.

The only problem.... a pre-health screen to take all my vital statistics height, weight, degree of wobble in my wobbly bits.

It was hard enough seeing the photographic evidence proving what years of neglect had done to my body.... I did not need more bad news.   I borrowed from "Frozen" for this one and decided to "Let it Go!"  The only place to go was up.  Any improvement was just that an improvement.

In the end I did better at the fitness screen than I thought I would.  However, I was not prepared for my traumatic flashbacks to Canadian Fitness testing in grade school.  At least there was no flexed arm hang.   I am also amused to report that over the last 30 odd years there has been little change in the flexibility in my hamstrings and my ability to do a push-up.  During the sit and reach the trainer commented that it would be easier to rest my finger-tips on the edge of the measuring device..... my reply...''Umm I am trying, but it does not seem like that will be possible right now!"

Yes dear reader-  it is true.  If it was possible to score negative numbers in the sit- and- reach I would.  My hamstrings have never been bendy.... okay they were for a very brief period when I was Cheerleading but they quickly retreated to Inflexible Land the moment I stopped needing to do the splits.

But my real kryptonite is any activity that requires me to use a tricep, deltoid.... heck who am I trying to kid.... any arm and shoulder muscle . Push-ups, well this ole' enemy continues to plague me.  When I was younger I held the belief that if I had bigger breasts I would have be able to do more push-ups.  See the bustier students did not have to bend their elbows to a full 90 degrees, as that may result in accidental grazing of the bustial region which would be deemed inappropriate touching.  Me-  with my lack of boobage, basically had to touch my nose to the ground and return to a fully up right position to count as a full push-up.  Sadly this long held belief was disproved during the recent testing.  I now have front curves and even though I don't have to dip down as low as I did when I was younger, I still could not muster more than 5 push-ups in a row and even that was pushing it.

Well here is hoping that the next six weeks brings about a few noticeable changes and maybe a smidgen more arm strength.... if not I will be typing out the blog using a mouth stick!