Pity Party for One......

I debated if I was going to post this entry or leave it in the archive.... as you can see I decided to post it. What tipped the scales.... the honesty of it all.  This is me!  This is my life.  It is not all good times and laughs.    If you don't want to ruin the fantasy of what you think my life might be like, I suggest you quit reading here.  If you can handle the truth, read on.  Who knows maybe this will strike a cord with you as well.

Have you ever had one of those days.  The kind that that is ordinary.... a general run of the mill type of day.  The type of day that lulls you into a false sense of security and then bam something happens.... a comment, a missed bus, an email and it all unravels.  What was once mundane is magically transformed into a festering oozing pile of crap.  You try to fight it.  You use your coping strategies-  a walk, some meditation... some good quality time on a swing-set. But it is no good.  You got
pulled into the under tow and you are drowning on your own tears and snot.

You say..... NO!  Not again!!!

You rage against the world.  You want to scream, you can't stop crying and although you are looking for something to cling onto- a tiny hope,  some semblance of balance.... but no matter where you turn to there is nothing.  You try phoning family and friends but everyone either doesn't answer your call or say they have to go before you can ask for help.

You want to tell the world and everyone in it to FUCK THE HELL OFF but down deep you know all
you want is to be hugged and told everything is going to be okay..... that this too shall pass.  '

Then you think- "Well I am here anyway.... I might as well just succumb to it".

Ride it out.

Who cares..... you are well stocked with Kleenex and hot beverage options.  Let it all hang out.  So that is what you do.  You sit down and bawl and bawl and bawl.   At points you feel like someone is choking the life out of you, at other times you feel like you are being ripped asunder.  You can't decide which is worse.  You just want it to end, but it doesn't.  You have cried for so long you start questioning when dehydration will set in.... but hell that is what the hot beverages are for.... replenishing the leaking fluids.

You know you have to talk about it... about anything.  To hold it in only makes your mind whorl and spin creating a cyclone of destructive thoughts.   The heaviness of your thoughts start crushing you.  You make the executive decision to blog it out.  You look at the screen and you think- "Is this my life.  How did it come to this.  When did this happen?"

In your youth there was always a friend that would pick-up the phone and talk, regardless of the hour..... now you have the blue screen of the computer to pour your heart out to.  You guess it is better than nothing.... but you don't have room for these semi-positive thoughts.... you're having a pity party, so dammit start pitying..... PRONTO!!!!

Then just like that the pity party ends.  There was no warning.... the tears dry up and things aren't looking so bleak.  Dare I say you might even feel a tad hopeful......