The Born Again Introvert

It was another 5:30 wake-up call courtesy of the cat.  I tried to practise some mindfulness, hopeful that being in "the moment" would lull me back to sleep.  It seemed to be working, but then different parts of my brain started lighting up like a Christmas tree.  The first thought- the bed was too hot with the dog touching me.  Nothing that couldn't be solved by faux restlessness.  A couple of wistful sighs and about 20 flip- flops later, Ferg picked up on my hints and moved to the floor.  By this time my brain had moved onto other thoughts...... "the financials related to the education session that I helped organize at work; the laundry list of things that I have to do before I start my month of leisure next week; planning out my day, etc, etc.  To bad there is not a zen like movement the involves making and revising monotonous lists in your mind..... if there was I could make some serious coin.

My thoughts continued to jump around like a child that has been made to sit too long.  One thing led to another and before I knew it I was contemplating extroversion and introversion and how both can exist in one family and I knew it was time to get up to blog.  Yup at the computer blogging by 7:00.

How does a family end up having a mixture of introverts and extroverts when the genetic make-up is relatively the same for all give or take a X chromosome?  We all had the same rules, the same upbringing and similar expectations yet still we ended up- extrovert, introvert, introvert, extrovert.  If you can't guess I am one of the middle introverts.

1 is a lovely number!

I am at my happiest when I am alone or near alone.  Drop me off in the middle of the bush with no one around, no need to make conversation, alone with my thoughts and time to reflect..... that is the stuff dreams are made of.

When I was younger finding "me" time was extremely hard to do because I shared a room with a sibling who always seemed to be in said room and the house was filled with five other people.   If I wanted to spend some time by myself, that did not involve hanging out in a bathroom, I had to get creative.    I tried out "spots" to see how well they worked.... behind the curtains in the living room huddled over the hot air register only worked in the mornings, before others were out of bed.  Stuffing myself in the bottom of the small linen closet only worked until someone needed linens... which in a house of six was often.

Slowly but surely I whittled down the hiding spots in our house until I found the "sweet spots".  The spots that no one would ever think of looking for me in, nor would they even be interested entering them.  My first secret spot was in this tiny little crawl space behind the furnace and hot water heater in the laundry room.  I would wedge myself between the studs and settle in for a  Max time.  When someone would come into the laundry room my anxiety would rise, especially if they were looking for me.  I feared they would be able to hear me breathe so I would hold my breath.  When they did not leave right away I had to rethink my game plan for fear of death.  Very slowly I would let my breath out and then I would switch to shallow slow breath patterns.   The whole time I was frozen in a statue like pose, lest some slight movement give away my location.  This spot served me well for a long time, until someone decided to explore behind the water heater, then my "secret" space was no longer secret.

Drat!

It was back to the drawing board trying to find a space that was my very own.  It took a while but I happened upon my ultimate hiding spot purely by accident.  I was in the cold storage room one day when someone came into the laundry room calling my name.... I don't know why I didn't answer.... maybe I was surly from being "peopled out".  As the person left yelling "I don't know where Max is.... she's not in the laundry room."  I had an epiphany.  This could be my new spot.  Over time I snuck things into the room.....  snacks,  blankets, a chair.  I finally had a spot that was my very own.  I would go in there to study and to escape from the world.  It was a small oasis of freedom and solitude.  There was still moments of tension, when my mom would come down and I would start panicking that she came downstairs to gather some of the preserves that lined the shelves behind me, but she never  found my secret spot.

There was something strangely empowering about listening to siblings and parents yelling my name mere steps away from where I was sitting and not answering their calls.  All the while they just had to turn around and open the door and the jig would have been up.  But why would they ever think that I would want to hang out in a cold storage room.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

My idea of refuelling my soul

Flash forward many years.... I continue to feel my most comfortable when I am around as few people as possible.  I fell in love with backpacking because at its core your trying to escape away from the crowds by going to places where others don't venture.  Sure you see people on the trails, but there are long moments of just being.  No need to converse, unless you want to with yourself.  During the long cold months when camping in the wilds is not an option I am know to take vacations from the world.  The phones are turned off, I stay away from social media and I try to minimize contact with any humans.    These mini breaks are just what I need to start missing being around people.

I find I need these types of retreats as I work in a people profession and the days and weeks of talking with, to and listening to others drains my psyche and leaves me feeling depleted.  It has nothing to do with the people I interact with.  I enjoy the time I spend with the people I work with, the clients and friends... I just need more time than the average bear to recharge my mental battery and I have a harder time doing that when I interact with people.

My sisters' idea of refuelling the soul

Now compare that with my younger sister- N  Almost from the moment she came out of the womb N has commanded the attention of those around her.  If she did not have it, she would find a way to get it.  N is at her finest when there are people around... the more the better.  She effortlessly moves from one group to another.  As the night progresses you can see her transcend into superstar status, everyone knows her and delights in being around her.  Christ she even invites people to her house so that she can entertain them.... willingly...... WHAT!

Madness, I know!  I am cringing and shuddering as I am typing this.... Soooooo NOT my scene.

But it is her scene.

N and my Mom

If you know both my sister and me, there is no mistaking that we are related.  We sound a like, we have similar gestures and walks... so much so our nephew has difficulty telling us apart and often has to guess..... Auntie with the White Dogs??? (yes that is my Auntie name).

On the surface my sister and I are so similar, but our cores are vastly different.

Me trying to escape "peopleing"

Or are we?

Lately I have heard my sister comment on how nice it is to escape to the solitude of the pasture, to unplug.   She is commenting on how she is occasionally feeling drained after hosting parties.

Where is that coming from?  In the past the surest way to bore my sister was to take away her people connection.  Now she is seeking time away from people.

I am intrigued by this.  How can a card carrying extrovert start exhibiting such clear introverted tendencies?

Could it be that there are just too many ways to connect with people in today's society?  Social media, texting, email, phones, scores and scores of people everywhere you go- mall, streets, parks.  Have extroverts reached a point where they are no longer refuelled by being around others and maintaining constant connection?

Are extroverts looking for new natural "highs"and are they starting to frolic in the beauty of being alone and not having any demands placed on their time and mind?

Based on the evidence before me, in the form of my card carrying extroverted sister, this may be the case.  That's right... I think my extroverted sister is transitioning into a Born Again Introvert.   Maybe she will try it on and decide that it is not for her.  Maybe she will fully convert.  Only time will tell.

In the meantime I will just sit back and enjoy being amazed at the twists and turns of life.